deep in depression

depression.

A feeling or spell of dismally low spirits. -definition from thesaurus.com.

that is the best word to describe my current condition. i am homesick. very. will be going back to Miri on the 21st, just 9 days away. but it seems like forever.

i have lost the touch. the touch to make people around me happy - that includes to make myself smile. I do smile, but it wont be the big grin i used to have. I woke up in the morning, looking eye to eye to my reflection in the mirror. I tried to smile. but it looks fake. Lately, i stopped trying.

I am cursed. the things i touched go faulty. the place where i put my heart at turns into a dark place. cold as ice. I raised my hands off the keyboard, they shook. Not too much, but it is noticeable in a way.

Last night I had a migraine attack. i killed the lights. wrapped myself in the blanket. Hugged Donuts tight until it seems like his eyes is going to pop out of his body. The pain is excruciating. I breathed heavily into Donuts. Squeezed my eyes shut. A tear rolled down my cheek. Now my eyes throbbed. The throbbing continued, spreading to the left side of my head. I quietly whispered to myself to go to sleep. I chanted all the way. Hoping that dreams can take me away from this pain.